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Saturday, 23 September 2017 14:07

Let the avalanche of inquiry begin!

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In preparing to write this post I looked back over the my previous blog entries to familiarize myself with the narrative that I've set forth. Got a small reality check there. It seems that I, in a burst of misguided artistic and workman-like fervor, disclosed that my goal was to post once a week! Seems a substantial, but not overly-ambitious goal. I gave myself this once a week challenge on March 30th!  Lets see. Roughly 26 weeks have passed since that declaration. Now taking a look at my posts the grand total is 3! By all rights it’s actually one of those 3 was just a slap-dash preview of coming attractions. Two posts in 26 weeks.. On that pace it’ll be the middle of March 2018 before you have access to the amount of content that you SHOULD have sitting in your browser right now. I figure if I flog myself here, making a big enough deal out of my paucity of effort, I'll shame myself into reforming my ways. But I digress...


It was about a month ago that I asked the Internet for questions that one might like to have answered by a comedian who makes a living telling jokes on a boat. To say that the result was overwhelming would be...a total lie. In fact, to imply that there was ANY response at all would be less than honest.

I did receive a few questions, but they were submitted by my wife and kind of stuck to the “Other comedians take their spouses on a cruise, why don’t you do that?” theme.

But I was able to get this week’s (Weekly? I know. LOL!) question based on a portion of another of her inquires...something about her being exasperated that I hadn’t finished researching all the different models of refrigerators that we were considering to buy. Let’s see, as I recall, her exact words were, "I asked you to do one simple thing. ONE THING. What the hell do you do all day?!”

….and there’s the question :)

I AM asked this fairly often...and by people to whom I am not related by marriage.

I have developed a handy response to this inquiry...unfortunately, it’s also complete BS.

What I say I do:

  • Write

  • Exercise

  • Meditate

  • Learn Spanish


What I really do:

  • Sleep

  • Eat

  • Watch TV



First, the only benefit to the crew cabins (I’ve never heard anyone here call them “staterooms”, by the way.) where I am lodged is that there is (almost) never a window (porthole...yeah, they do call them that). That means darker than dark sweet, sweet slumber. Even when the mattress feels like it has been stuffed with clam shells and old life-jackets, something about the absence of any light makes it magical.


It’s easy to get sucked in by the availability of some type of food -for free, already prepared, around the clock. Is it sumptuous, five-star, James Beard award winning, Top Chef judges table worthy cuisine? All of it? No. Some of it? Maybe...but... doesn’t matter. (I don’t know what to do with that fifth fork anyway.)

It’s plentiful, convenient and (did I mention?), FREE.

On Fiesta Cruise Line (yeah, we’re doing that!) there are three places that a guest entertainer is permitted to dine. The first is the Crew Mess...a good-sized cafeteria type place (off-limits to passengers) where the bulk of those who work on-board take their meals. Most of those folks tend to be of Asian lineage and the fare reflects that. But this isn’t a US-centric version of the cuisine like PF Chang/Panda Express/Pei Wei. I’m led to believe that this is an authentic, “just like home” offering. Now as a person who never held a bottle of Kikoman’s until I was in college, It’s easy to make fun of the dishes (with my elite western sensibility) by making up entree names like “Chicken Beak Stew” this and “Goat Rundown” that, but the truth is, who the hell am I? They seem to like it and it’s not FOR me anyway.

Next is the Staff Mess, also just for employees..a little less cafeteria and maybe a little more buffet. The Staff (as opposed to Crew) tends to be more European and western (though by no means completely) and the menu is adjusted. Still, a lot of curried-up Indian food (which I don’t reflexively think of as being Asian, though I know it technically is) and lumpy, borscht-ey Baltic dishes I don’t recognize. I only eat here when I’m in hiding.

The saving grace (for me, and most comedians, I think) is the passenger buffet. Kind of a Golden Corral affair where, if you are smart, have restraint, and are creative, you can assemble a nice (and somewhat healthful) meal for yourself. Always a salad bar, soup du jour and a hot vegetable available. If you’re like me, ya’ gotta’ watch out for the carbs, which are prominent, plentiful, and always beckoning.

The passengers also have the option of the main dining room for the fancy, gourmet, Julia Child-style spread. I can’t be more specific, as that is beyond the velvet rope for me.

That leaves…


Whole lotta' this….


 We’ll cover TV in the “exasperating technology” chapter of a future post.

 More to come.


Will you see a new post from me again in a week? Send a question. You might be surprised...




Read 11662 times Last modified on Monday, 25 September 2017 22:16
Kelly Terranova

Kelly has been featured on CMT's Comedy Stage, FOX Sports and the DryBar Comedy Network. He was a finalist in both the Funny Bone Comedy Club's World Series of Comedy and the CCL Las Vegas Carnival Comedy Challenge. Kelly is a regular performer aboard the Carnival Cruise Lines’ Punchliner Comedy Club and has appeared with Michael Bolton, Joan Rivers, Kevin Nealon, The Doobie Brothers, Brett Butler and Mahatma Gandhi (just wanted to see if you were still reading).